"Mom, It's the Cheetah Girls"

Um... where to begin. I turned on cartoons for Jeremy yesterday morning so I could get dressed and when I went to check on him he said, "Mom, its the Cheetah girls." with a shy smile on his face. The cartoons had moved on to a Cheetah Girls movie. Not catching on at first, I offered to find a cartoon for him and then another shy smile up at me confirmed that Jeremy was just fine watching The Cheetah Girls. He's 5 and just a little too aware of pretty girls for his mom's peace of mind to stay intact.

The hysterical laugh/cry and why I love my sister...

My sister called me two weeks ago to update me on her life which has been a little challenging lately. She told me about her breakdown in Relief Society the week before and while she was telling me we were laughing - a lot! She had one of those tearful breakdowns that makes you want to disappear into the paint on the wall but she definitely had it coming her way. My sister has a way of telling stories that cracks me up even when the most painful details are involved - I told her to blog about it. I know most of us have had one or two of those "life is way too hard", "i can't take it anymore," feel like you are "coming apart at the seams" moments and she definitely had one. I don't know if the story will be funny to you as you read it but to give a little background, that she didn't, the following events had all happened in the month leading up to this awkward moment in her life where she was blindsided by the topic of the Relief Society lesson:

1 - The house they moved out of in July and sold to their former bishop, who is a real estate investor so he could flip the house, went into foreclosure. As part of the business deal they made with their former bishop my sister and her husband carried the note on the house and their former bishop did not tell them he was letting the house go into foreclosure. By the time the bank caught up with my sister and her husband, at their new address, the note was so far behind they could not catch up on it. This former bishop is the same one who went through the last pregnancy and funeral with my sister and fully supported them moving and selling the house so Jennifer could be a stay at home mom. Had they known he was going to let the house go into foreclosure my sister could have picked up a few shifts as a nurse to keep it from foreclosure.

2 - The house going into foreclosure will ruin my sister's/brother in law's almost perfect credit and my brother in laws government job, with high security clearance, is put into jeopardy by a bad credit report.

3- One of my nephews, one of her sons, has a white blood cell count that is rapidly dropping and doctors aren't sure why yet. It could be a reaction to medication he is on to control seizures he has at night or it could be leukemia.

4 - She met with a geneticist and found out that not only do they have a 25% chance of another baby having the same condition as TJ but if another baby has that condition it will manifest in exactly the same way which means little to no chance of survival. She is currently pregnant and begins monitoring this baby in another week.

So all of these events led up to her breakdown in Relief Society where the title of the lesson was "Come What May and Love It." Which resulted in the hysterical crying/laughing episode, sparked to some extent by a young mom who said she found "life to be extremely stressful when her child spilled KoolAid on a just mopped floor" and ended with my sister doubled over crying during the closing song of "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go."

One of the many reasons why I love my sister is because she can call and tell me this story, while laughing with me, and in the very same day leave the following comment on my blog.

Audrey's website is so overwhelming. I wish that I could hold on to my faith so strongly. Love you,

Jenn

We so often don't see how strong our own faith is or see ourselves as other see us.

Sources of Service

I know several of you have read the blog audreycaroline.blogspot.com and been amazed and inspired by the mother of Audrey Caroline. I first found this blog through Jenni's blog - thanks Jenni - and fell in love with it. My connection to this blog was largely because we had just learned about my nephew and the complications he was facing in the womb. I loved that this sweet family, who I only know through their blog, had the opportunity to have so many beautiful pictures with their baby girl and that all their pictures will not be sad ones.

One of the things I learned as I did some research for my sister is that many families who face a trial like Angie and my sister have only Polaroid’s of their babies to carry them through their loss. Ironically I related to this in a small way because I was handed a Polaroid of Jeremy before he was transferred by ambulance out of the hospital where he was born and where I had to stay, to the hospital where he would have surgery at one day old. I sat in my hospital bed with that Polaroid on my lap as Jeremy was in surgery waiting to hear if he had made it through the surgery. It is amazing what comfort one Polaroid can bring but in a time of grief, professional pictures must mean so much more.

This week Newsweek had an article about an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a national group of photographers who volunteer their time and services to families who are facing poor perinatal prognosis. The photographers are on call and come to the hospital to capture pictures for families. All of their services, including the photos, are provided at no cost to the families. I am very grateful the nurses at University of Utah called their photographer on call and that my sister and her family will also have more than a Polaroid of TJ.

Although I already knew about NILMDTS I still wept when I read the article last Sunday. In a world where we hear so much of discontent and unkindness, it is amazing to read stories that speak to the depth of compassion that exists in places one might never think to look.

90% certain

We had another ultrasound on Thursday and the technician said she is 90% certain the baby is a boy. Based on the ultrasound picture she showed us if it's not a boy it's a girl with a significant problem. So we are going with it's a boy and grateful all looks well.

This week has been filled with some voices of disappointment when I told people I was having another boy and truthfully I was a little disappointed I will not have a girl. When asked if I am disappointed the only thing I can think to say is that I am not disappointed it is a boy, I am disappointed that I will never have a girl.

I think beyond that what I have realized this week is that I am struggling more with this being my last baby than I realized. I am so grateful the InVitro worked and feel so blessed however I always thought I would have more than two babies to raise. When I was young I was one of those girls at church who asked to hold every baby. I started babysitting when I was ten and I wanted a lot of children.

I don't think most of our lives turn out the way we expect and there are times in our lives when each of us grieve that ideal, fairytale life we imagined as little girls. So, right now I am grieving that ideal imagined family of several babies to raise but also rejoicing in the blessing of the family I never imagined led by a husband who is more than I imagined, two sweet stepdaughters who are so kind to me, the opportunity to be a nana while being a mom, and two sweet boys to raise. My life is blessed beyond measure and I am grateful on this Valentine's Day for all the love that is mine.

It looks like it is a healthy baby...

Boy! Jerry and I weren't convinced the doctor was sure about the gender so we will probably follow up with another ultrasound later this week before we begin purchasing anything for the nursery or baby. In the meantime, the baby appears to be healthy with all limbs, etc. in place. What more could we hope for!

You get what you get...

...and you don't throw a fit! This is one of my favorite sayings. Jeremy learned it at preschool and I love it. It has been resonating with me on a different level as the ultrasound Monday approaches.

On Monday we will do a high level ultrasound - called a Level 2 - where a perionatologist
performs the ultrasound instead of an ultrasound tech. This is primarily being done because of the birth defects that Jeremy had. Had I had a level 2 ultrasound with Jeremy we would have known about his birth defects before he was born. I am actually not too worried about the doctor finding anything and this higher level ultrasound is being done as a precaution only. The ultrasound will last about an hour and we should come out of the ultrasound knowing what we are having. That is what I am most looking forward to.

I have been asked a lot recently if I want a girl and the answer is yes.

Some of you may know that I fasted weekly from April through October as I went through in vitro. Although my fast was primarily that I would be able to have another child or be able to move on if it was not the Lord's will for me to have another baby, the other part of my fasting and prayer was sharing my feelings and desires with the Lord about another pregnancy, knowing it would be my last, and my desire to be a mother to and raise a baby girl as well as my sweet Jeremy. I am sure there will always be a part of me that will miss having had a baby girl if I have another boy but I will be grateful regardless.

So regardless of the outcome Monday I know the Lord's will has been done and I will be happy.

You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!