An unexpected life... continued

I posted the post below last week and then removed it after about 6 hours not confident about many things including my emotions. I think I was mostly feeling that blogs are supposed to be fun. After another week, some heartbreak and a funeral what I am now confident of, or more importantly what I have been reminded of, is we often relate on a day to day basis, even with those we are closest to, on a somewhat superficial level. Blogs are mostly fun but I have also recently read some blogs, of total strangers, that have brought me great comfort as others have expressed faith through their trials. I hope to return to fun posts soon but hope you won't mind a few posts of the not so fun parts of our recent life.

Last Friday I received the call I was dreading but was sure was coming and had been blessed with peace about. I will not carry this pregnancy. I am waiting to miscarry and although I am at peace about it I also feel great loss.

The call that morning was followed by one in the late afternoon from my brother in law to tell me my sister was in labor and would likely have their baby that night. Hours later my sister called to tell me the pediatrician had been in the room to visit and that their baby, who they knew had birth defects but those they hoped would be overcome through medical intervention, had virtually no chance of survival.

Theodore Johnathan Kuhlmann was born on Friday night at 11:49 and lived about two and a half hours.

All of our lives end up with some unexpected moments. We control what we can and hopefully learn to trust in the Lord that He knows best and His will is for our good. There is nothing like the funeral of a child and seeing a tiny casket to test your belief in His will. I believe someday all that is not understood will be made known to us whether it is the miscarriage of a desperately wanted child, the death of a child, or any number of the many, many varied and unique trials that each of us face during our time on earth. I know this to be true but I also know the Lord understands if we shed a few tears in the meantime and that He is our greatest source of comfort and peace.

An unexpected life...

After 4 years of unexplained secondary infertility… 5 rounds of infertility treatments at Kaiser and one round of in vitro at Loma Linda Infertility Clinic, we are expecting a baby. That was the news on Monday morning but by Monday evening the clinic called back with my hormone levels and said the pregnancy may not last. My hormone levels are being watched to see if my body will continue to hold onto this pregnancy. I was tested today and will be testing again on Friday.

After spending the past four years taking many pregnancy tests with negative results and having shed many, many, many tears over my inability to enjoy another pregnancy and baby, I feel blessed with the knowledge that I can get pregnant, even if it takes some medical intervention, oh so rare infertility insurance that my company happens to have and some serious cash to help me along the way. We will see what happens this week.

I am always a little unsure what the Lord’s plan is for my life. I am such a planner and had such a plan when I left for BYU at 17 years old. I like to believe I am able to control things but there have been some major things in my life I have not had control over. I thought I would meet my husband at BYU, get married, have 4 kids and live happily ever after. I never planned to be married at almost 31 and I never expected to experience secondary infertility. That being said, my life is blessed. I have had a great career and traveled a lot while I was single. My marriage came after much fasting, prayer and priesthood blessings of comfort and faith as I waited for the blessing of marriage. For someone who is so idealistic my expectations are sometimes unrealistic but my marriage has been the blessing I was promised it would be and has exceeded my hopes and dreams. I have an adorable little boy who we love so much and I have been blessed with two beautiful and kind step daughters who include me in their lives in loving and kind ways. Among those many blessings we also have 4 – soon to be 5 - beautiful grandchildren who bring us great joy.

I know it may seem odd to some reading this that Jerry and I are trying to have another child. Jerry is not the age of the typical father who is trying to have a child and I am older than the typical mother. We planned to have two children quickly after we married and knew that was likely all we would have. Neither of us planned for infertility. We have felt that we should have one more child and have pursued infertility treatments not as a means to accomplish a goal of having two children together but in response to feeling we are to have another child.

As we were wrapping up infertility treatments at Kaiser last year and looking at whether or not we would pursue in vitro I was really struggling with the decision. Weighing on my mind were Jerry’s age, my age, the cost of infertility treatments, what it might feel like for Jerry’s daughters to have their dad having more children while they were having their own children along with many, many other thoughts and concerns about myself, my family and the others who are impacted by our desire to have another child. I sat down to watch General Conference and wept as I listened to Elder Spencer J. Condie’s talk, “Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises.” I know the Lord’s time is not our time and His plan is not ours. That being said, I believe the Lord also knows the limitations of this earth life and we will only pursue infertility treatments for several more months if this pregnancy does not last.

I don’t know why we have to go through what we are to have a child but believe there is a purpose to this trial that someday I will understand. I do not know what the Lord’s plan is but have returned to what I know works in times of deep and heartbreaking trial. I have been fasting once a week for the past several months and will continue to fast once a week for the opportunity to have another child, the grace to be at peace with the Lord’s will and to act with dignity and faith regardless of the outcome.