I’m still pregnant but they don’t know where my embryo is…
I went in on Monday to have blood work to confirm a miscarriage and was sent on my way with a, "see you in a month." I was called later that afternoon with a message telling me my HCG levels were a little high so the doctor wanted to see me on Thursday. This morning I met with my doctor who did some more blood work and said he was sure I had miscarried and that my HCG levels were probably just on their way back down after the miscarriage. When I asked about the chance of an ectopic pregnancy he laughed and said, "You would know by know if the pregnancy had been ectopic." Meaning I would have been doubled over in horrendous pain from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy - not an easy thing to miss. Oh, the overwhelming RELIEF that I missed that experience...
So this afternoon I received a call that my HCG levels are still climbing - meaning I am still some form of pregnant – “but they can't imagine why... The pregnancy may be ectopic...They aren't really sure...Come in first thing tomorrow...By the way, if you have any severe pain or bleeding go directly to an ER. “This is very serious Susan; if it is ectopic and it ruptures you can bleed out.” Righty Oh!! I have made a mental note and now can't sleep. It's not really the bleeding out I am worried about; it's the living through the horrendous pain first.
So... if you haven't picked up on this yet, I am actually at the point where I think the whole thing is comical. It may be the $4000 worth of hormones I have been injecting my body with over the past 8 weeks or the stress of the past two weeks - you know how our hormones and/or stress can make us a little irrational?? I think I'm there. Laugh with me. Right now it’s funny. But, if there is another special musical number this Sunday, the likes of the one we had last Sunday, I offer no guarantees about my emotional state but hope someone will please escort me out of the building to protect my dignity and to protect others from witnessing the ugly cry that may or may not happen.
I'll update you later - after they find my embryo.
This song has come to my mind many times over the past two weeks. It has always been a favorite but there are times in our lives when hymns take on new or deeper meaning. As a sister who lives so far away from her sister in need, I have been comforted by the stories I have heard of the brothers and sisters in my sister's ward stepping in to help her family and what I witnessed while in Utah for TJ's funeral. I thought I would share a few of those instances with you as well as a beautiful version of the song "As Sisters in Zion" I found on You Tube of all places…
My sister's family had been in the process of buying a new house and moving when they found out about the complications TJ had. Jennifer went into labor 4 weeks before her due date, 3 weeks before she was scheduled to be induced and while they were still in the process of moving. They bought a house in Sandy that had not been updated since the early 80's and the day she went into labor Jennifer had unfinished floors throughout her house, painters that needed to come back and touch up paint, boxes and furniture in the garage and her combined family of 11 were living out of the only three rooms in the house that were finished. This is what Jennifer and Tony returned home to after she delivered their little boy who only lived 2 hours.
On Sunday, two days after giving birth, Jennifer and Tony got up, dressed their children and went to church with them. She didn't make it through sacrament before she broke down and returned home. At some point during the meeting the bishop announced that there was a new family in the ward who had just had a baby die and who needed help unpacking. After church their house was standing room only with people who had come to help unpack boxes and move furniture. My mom said it was so crowded it was hard to move.
Meals were brought in the whole time I was there - they may still be being brought in. The sisters of the ward didn't just bring a meal for the family. They brought enough food to feed the additional family who were in town for the funeral as well. They didn't just bring food - they brought good food that took time out of their day and budgets to prepare.
The ward prepared lunch for us after the funeral. I know this is customary but somehow when it is your family and the ward doesn't even know you, it is more significant. The tables were set with tablecloths and there was a small vase with fresh flowers in the center of each table. On the table where the food was set up, there was a beautiful vase of roses that were cut from a sister’s garden that morning and sent home with Jennifer after lunch.
Jennifer's neighbor and her daughter came over the day of the funeral and took the youngest three children to the park for several hours. They did this after having worked a full day.
Sisters from the Relief Society showed up the day after the funeral to unpack and organize the kitchen. Brethren from the priesthood showed up the following night to move the boxes and remaining furniture into the house.
A sister in Jennifer's ward, who was gone on vacation the week of the funeral, heard about Jennifer and came over to visit. She had lost a baby 30 years ago and she came to comfort a virtual stranger whose pain she could understand. They sat on Jennifer's couch and wept together over their babies.
One of the things that touched me the most was really something simple but profound and was a lesson from my sister. She gave me a shopping list of clothes for the funeral. On the bottom of the list was a small to do list of things she needed to do. On the list of 4 things she needed to do was “tithing”. I don’t know if that will be powerful to anyone else but it was to me. My sister (and her husband) gave birth to their baby, watched him die, planned his funeral- that cost thousands of dollars - but their “to do” list still reminded her to pay tithing.
I am grateful for the sisters (and brothers) in Zion who have endeavored to comfort the weary of my family. I have thought over the past week that I would love to live in Utah where members serve each other like they have my sister. As I was writing this, I was reminded that 5 years ago, after Jennifer’s previous husband died unexpectedly, our bishop at the time, mowed her lawn every week when he mowed his. He did this for almost a year until Jennifer moved to Utah. We need to bloom where we are planted and I am grateful for my bishop in my ward who saw a need and quietly did more than his part. I hope that I will strive more diligently to be mindful of those in my ward and even those who are strangers to me who need comfort and strength. I hope that I can stretch beyond my own insecurities and weaknesses to be a better Sister in Zion.
As sisters in Zion, we’ll all work together; The blessings of God on our labors we’ll seek. We’ll build up his kingdom with earnest endeavor; We’ll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.
The errand of angels is given to women; And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim: To do whatsoever is gentle and human, To cheer and to bless in humanity’s name.
How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission, If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed. Oh, naught but the Spirit’s divinest tuition Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed. (Hymns, no. 309)
I know several of you have read the blog audreycaroline.blogspot.com and been amazed and inspired by the mother of Audrey Caroline. I first found this blog through Jenni's blog - thanks Jenni - and fell in love with it. My connection to this blog was largely because we had just learned about my nephew and the complications he was facing in the womb. I loved that this sweet family, who I only know through their blog, had the opportunity to have so many beautiful pictures with their baby girl and that all their pictures will not be sad ones.
One of the things I learned as I did some research for my sister is that many families who face a trial like Angie and my sister have only Polaroid’s of their babies to carry them through their loss. Ironically I related to this in a small way because I was handed a Polaroid of Jeremy before he was transferred by ambulance out of the hospital where he was born and where I had to stay, to the hospital where he would have surgery at one day old. I sat in my hospital bed with that Polaroid on my lap as Jeremy was in surgery waiting to hear if he had made it through the surgery. It is amazing what comfort one Polaroid can bring but in a time of grief, professional pictures must mean so much more.
This week Newsweek had an article about an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a national group of photographers who volunteer their time and services to families who are facing poor perinatal prognosis. The photographers are on call and come to the hospital to capture pictures for families. All of their services, including the photos, are provided at no cost to the families. I am very grateful the nurses at University of Utah called their photographer on call and that my sister and her family will also have more than a Polaroid of TJ.
Although I already knew about NILMDTS I still wept when I read the article last Sunday. In a world where we hear so much of discontent and unkindness, it is amazing to read stories that speak to the depth of compassion that exists in places one might never think to look.
Summer officially started in our house this weekend. Jerry was home but while home checked work email and also received a call from work. The joke was that the state is on fire but we all know summer time is not so funny for those caught in a firestorm. The news today is there are hundreds of fires in the state of California.
Jerry has vacation scheduled for July so unless the "Governator" declares a state of emergency we will see him again then. Until then our blog background has been updated to pay homage to the brave men and women who protect us against our yearly summertime fire adventures/catastrophes and who currently are fighting wildfires in heat that is in the 100's. (I also thought it was a cute layout.) Imagine just sitting outside with a t-shirt, pants, boots! Yuck! Now add to that the firefighters yellow protective gear they wear over their uniforms plus hiking up hillsides, carrying their gear, digging fire lines and sleeping on the ground when they get a break.
On a personal note, I am really grateful for my husband who goes to work without complaint and provides for our family even when he knows his 3 day shift can turn into 3 weeks without notice. We love you and we miss you when you are at work!
I posted the post below last week and then removed it after about 6 hours not confident about many things including my emotions. I think I was mostly feeling that blogs are supposed to be fun. After another week, some heartbreak and a funeral what I am now confident of, or more importantly what I have been reminded of, is we often relate on a day to day basis, even with those we are closest to, on a somewhat superficial level. Blogs are mostly fun but I have also recently read some blogs, of total strangers, that have brought me great comfort as others have expressed faith through their trials. I hope to return to fun posts soon but hope you won't mind a few posts of the not so fun parts of our recent life.
Last Friday I received the call I was dreading but was sure was coming and had been blessed with peace about. I will not carry this pregnancy. I am waiting to miscarry and although I am at peace about it I also feel great loss.
The call that morning was followed by one in the late afternoon from my brother in law to tell me my sister was in labor and would likely have their baby that night. Hours later my sister called to tell me the pediatrician had been in the room to visit and that their baby, who they knew had birth defects but those they hoped would be overcome through medical intervention, had virtually no chance of survival.
Theodore Johnathan Kuhlmann was born on Friday night at 11:49 and lived about two and a half hours.
All of our lives end up with some unexpected moments. We control what we can and hopefully learn to trust in the Lord that He knows best and His will is for our good. There is nothing like the funeral of a child and seeing a tiny casket to test your belief in His will. I believe someday all that is not understood will be made known to us whether it is the miscarriage of a desperately wanted child, the death of a child, or any number of the many, many varied and unique trials that each of us face during our time on earth. I know this to be true but I also know the Lord understands if we shed a few tears in the meantime and that He is our greatest source of comfort and peace.
After 4 years of unexplained secondary infertility… 5 rounds of infertility treatments at Kaiser and one round of in vitro at Loma Linda Infertility Clinic, we are expecting a baby. That was the news on Monday morning but by Monday evening the clinic called back with my hormone levels and said the pregnancy may not last. My hormone levels are being watched to see if my body will continue to hold onto this pregnancy. I was tested today and will be testing again on Friday.
After spending the past four years taking many pregnancy tests with negative results and having shed many, many, many tears over my inability to enjoy another pregnancy and baby, I feel blessed with the knowledge that I can get pregnant, even if it takes some medical intervention, oh so rare infertility insurance that my company happens to have and some serious cash to help me along the way. We will see what happens this week.
I am always a little unsure what the Lord’s plan is for my life. I am such a planner and had such a plan when I left for BYU at 17 years old. I like to believe I am able to control things but there have been some major things in my life I have not had control over. I thought I would meet my husband at BYU, get married, have 4 kids and live happily ever after. I never planned to be married at almost 31 and I never expected to experience secondary infertility. That being said, my life is blessed. I have had a great career and traveled a lot while I was single. My marriage came after much fasting, prayer and priesthood blessings of comfort and faith as I waited for the blessing of marriage. For someone who is so idealistic my expectations are sometimes unrealistic but my marriage has been the blessing I was promised it would be and has exceeded my hopes and dreams. I have an adorable little boy who we love so much and I have been blessed with two beautiful and kind step daughters who include me in their lives in loving and kind ways. Among those many blessings we also have 4 – soon to be 5 - beautiful grandchildren who bring us great joy.
I know it may seem odd to some reading this that Jerry and I are trying to have another child. Jerry is not the age of the typical father who is trying to have a child and I am older than the typical mother. We planned to have two children quickly after we married and knew that was likely all we would have. Neither of us planned for infertility. We have felt that we should have one more child and have pursued infertility treatments not as a means to accomplish a goal of having two children together but in response to feeling we are to have another child.
As we were wrapping up infertility treatments at Kaiser last year and looking at whether or not we would pursue in vitro I was really struggling with the decision. Weighing on my mind were Jerry’s age, my age, the cost of infertility treatments, what it might feel like for Jerry’s daughters to have their dad having more children while they were having their own children along with many, many other thoughts and concerns about myself, my family and the others who are impacted by our desire to have another child. I sat down to watch General Conference and wept as I listened to Elder Spencer J. Condie’s talk, “Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises.” I know the Lord’s time is not our time and His plan is not ours. That being said, I believe the Lord also knows the limitations of this earth life and we will only pursue infertility treatments for several more months if this pregnancy does not last.
I don’t know why we have to go through what we are to have a child but believe there is a purpose to this trial that someday I will understand. I do not know what the Lord’s plan is but have returned to what I know works in times of deep and heartbreaking trial. I have been fasting once a week for the past several months and will continue to fast once a week for the opportunity to have another child, the grace to be at peace with the Lord’s will and to act with dignity and faith regardless of the outcome.
This past Saturday we gathered the Dalebout family - at least those in California - for a picnic. It was a fun afternoon of flying kites, visiting, and eating. The day ended with a really great marshmallow fight.
The marshmallow fight consists of "guns" made with pvc pipe that you use to launch mini marshmallows by blowing hard on one end. Everyone had a blast but Jerry's cousin Terry was the best at it... he would load his mouth with mini marshmallows and shoot them machine gun style. The kids and adults had a great time with the marshmallow fight!
We love our families and are grateful for the time we can spend with them. It seems time goes faster and faster and it is so easy to let too much time go by without renewing and nurturing family bonds. We are grateful for everyone who took the time to be there!
Jeremy started horseback riding lessons about 2 months ago and he loves it! This is a picture from his first lesson. At his last lesson this past week his instructor got on the horse with him so he could trot and have help learning some other horse things. Like my technical description of "learning other horse things?" Anyway, I was watching from a bench and heard noises coming from my child while he was riding the horse. I had to get closer to be sure I was hearing what I thought I was...
My son was doing the 4 year old boy equivalent of purring. I wish I could have recorded it because there are not really words to describe what purring from a 4 year old boy sounds like. Just imagine a happy and content 4 year old boy making happy and content noise. It was a little weird but kind of sweet.
Part of Jeremy's lesson is learning to care for the horse which includes brushing it, picking it's feet and putting the saddle on. Below is a picture of him learning to do this at his first lesson.
I learned a few things at the first lesson as well: 1) Never shower and dress before the lesson - you will just have to come home and wash the horse smell off of everyone. Not that the scent of horse is bad but people at Target and Costco may not appreciate it as much as the horses do. 2) Open shoes of any kind never work on a farm. Flip flops are convenient until you spend an hour trying to keep dirt and the like off of your precious pedicured feet.
I am the wife of a fireman, mom to two boys, stepmom to two great women and "nana" of 6 very cute kids. I have been married for almost ten years and am grateful for the blessings of a happy marriage and family in my life.
After working outside the home for 22 years (counting those first jobs in high school), I am currently taking some time off to be a stay at home mom and now spend my days chasing around the busiest two year old ever born and carpooling my eight year old back and forth to school, cub scouts and karate!
