Still Lost....

Sorry for the delay in posting and for worrying some of you. I did return to my doctor on Friday and they (multiple doctors) still are not able to find the pregnancy but are assuming it is ectopic. A viable pregnancy was completely ruled out. Because the doctors can't identify where the pregnancy is, surgery was not a realistic option and the protocol in cases like mine is to administer several moderate doses of chemotherapy drugs to stop the growth of the pregnancy, salvage the fallopian tube and therefore future fertility and potentially my life. Not great options right? Surgery, moderate doses of chemotherapy drugs or bleed out...

So my first dose of the drug was on Friday. I had the distinct pleasure of waiting for the cancer ward to mix my drug while waiting in a room full of pregnant women. (Some brainiac at Kaiser thought it was an efficient use of space to put the fertility clinic next to the high risk pregnancy clinic.) No offense to those of you who are pregnant because I am sincerely happy for each of you and the sweet babies you are nurturing. I truly, truly, with all my heart, mean that. What I really did not want to do was sit in the waiting room that day, or every day since then, surrounded by women and men aka teenagers who looked like they took a break from a drive-by to check in on their fetus. This week, in addition to stronger faith, I have been working on being less judgemental of who the Lord bestows fertility on...still working on it.

Although it is a moderate dose, the drug does cause all the normal chemo type side effects like nausea, dizziness, etc. I have completed two rounds of this and given my embryo's tenacious spirit and my still climbing HCG levels, I will likely have at least two more rounds. I will be evaluated on Friday to determine if I need to have an additional four rounds of this treatment or if the embryo needs to be removed to ensure I don't end up with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The surgery is really simple and the recovery is quick.

This all sounds very dramatic and I wish it didn't because I really am ok and believe I will be ok. I really appreciate everyone's support. I especially appreciate my parents who drove here from St George just to be sure I was not alone if I needed help and Rachael who pitched in to teach my lesson on Sunday and tackled the first day of swimming lessons with her four kids and Jeremy in tow.

When I am stressed, the irony of this trial still makes me chuckle inside a little - that tense, I can't believe this is happening, if I don't laugh I'll cry - deep inside chuckle at the irony of life. However, so you don't think I am completely heartless, I also would like you to know I have wept this week and repeatedly wondered if this little embryo, that is lost in my body and that will never be in my arms, has a heartbeat yet. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I appreciate each and every one of you.